A Horrible Idea

It wasnt a good idea. At all. It was a horrible idea in fact and Dean knew it. He just didnt know what else to do. This was it, this was the only thing that he could think of. Cas had just tried to kill him, kill all three of them, and Sam was in the hospital, a few broken ribs and a whole lot of blood loss. It wasnt Cas’s fault, Dean could tell that much, but the fact remained. He wasnt in control. He was trying to kill the men he had once saved.

It was the blood in his eye that had given Dean the idea. The stupid idea. When he had come at them, blade swinging and fists with his full strength behind them, he had been bleeding, just above the eye. It was just like before, when he had killed Samandriel. Dean had had to stab him, right through the arm with the angel blade Cas had given them, in order to slow him down. It seemed to work, grounded him for a moment and that was all he had needed.

Dean had stabbed him again, in the gut, not a death blow but a pretty terrible one. The angel had fallen to the ground, curled in on himself, tried to keep in the pain and blood and grace.

Now it was just the two of them, Dean pacing and hating himself for what he was about to do, Cas tied to a chair in a circle of holy oil, the last of their holy oil, ready to be lit so that he’d be trapped inside.

“Dean.” he moaned as he regained consciousness, “What… what happened?”

“You don’t remember?” Dean twirled the angel blade in his hand, “You just tried to kill me, and Sam, and you dont even remember? Well, that’s just perfect.”

“I… I did? Oh, I see. I. Remember. But it’s hazy. A dream. Is. Is Sam alright?”

“You threw him through a freaking wall! You almost broke his back, broke a bunch of ribs instead, caused internal bleeding. He’s in the hospital, Cas. The doctors arent sure if he’s going to make it.”

“I’m so sorry. Please, you have to believe me Dean. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“But you did. I think I’m starting to get it.” he crossed the line of oil, knelt before Cas, looked at the dried blood on his face, “Someone is making you do this, controlling you. And I know where the signal is coming from.”

He pressed the angel blade to the spot where Cas had been bleeding from, a place with no wound or gash or even bruising.

“What? Dean, please. I didnt mean to do this. Please. I dont want to die. Do you know what happens when angels die? Where we go?”

“I’m not going to kill you Cas.”

“Then what? What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to jam the signal.”

Dean dragged the blade down and Cas hissed at the pain of it. He went up and then down in the opposite direction and then back up again. That’s when Cas figured it out and he started shaking.

“Don’t do this, Dean, please. Don’t. You dont know what you’re doing?”

“You really havent left me any choice.”

“Please.”

Dean finished the sigil and Cas was screaming, throwing his head back at the pain of it. The ropes holding him down broke, the chair broke, the lights broke, the window broke. Everything shattered in the wake of Castiel’s pain. Dean clamped his hands over his ears, feeling the blood falling from them.

He had just carved a sigil designed to keep angels out onto an angel. Cas was trapped in a never-ending cycle of pain, trapped in his vessel and forced to leave at the same time. The pain must have been unbearable. What Dean was feeling was just a minuscule fraction of it.

He clamped a hand down over Cas’s mouth but that hardly did anything, so instead he ripped off the angel’s tie and shoved it into his mouth, using his own belt to keep it in place. Cas was still screaming, but it was muted to an almost human volume around the gag.

Dean pulled him up until he was in a sitting position, grabbing him and holding him close. He tried to soothe the angel, stroke his fingers through his hair, give him some relief, but it didnt seem to be working.

“I’m going to save you, Cas.” Dean screamed into his ear, hoping he could hear it, “I’m going to find a way to stop this. I promise. I’ll kill whatever son of a bitch did this to you. Then I’ll remove the sigil, okay? I’ll stop you from hurting. You and me, we’ll go off somewhere, take a break, get away from this hunting and pain and crap, okay?” he was babbling now, but he couldnt stop. “Screw it, Sammy could come too if he wanted. We’ll just take a break from the world. I’ll introduce you to some vinyl records, we’ll drink whiskey and eat pancakes, sleep in and have pie for dinner. You’ll love it Cas. It’ll be a vacation. I’ll make it your home. I love you Cas, okay? I dont want you to ever think I dont.”

It was the first time he’d said it and when Cas went limp in his arms, the pain of the sigil finally too much, he almost hoped that the angel had heard it. Sure it was embarrassing, but it was something Dean had felt for years, had carefully tucked away. He thought maybe Cas needed to hear it.

He was right.

This was a really stupid idea.